I feel that the male lays the eggs and leaves them. He can go to woman after woman and leave his eggs. There may be some connection, but not in the same way as with the woman. The woman doesn’t get rid of or leave her eggs. She holds them in her body and lets go with some measure of difficulty. But a difference of greater magnitude is that the woman gives herself deeply to her child, to the point of offering her body as sustenance. This seemed the major difference.

So although one might have a male body you could have a female psyche. Conversely though, someone might give birth to a child through having a female body, but they do not have a female psyche, so cannot or do not give themselves to their child in the way it instinctively wants or expects. This seemed to me an important factor in today’s world where the genders have become so muddled. Many people are claiming to be mothers who although they have a female body, are not actually women, and are no real mother.

There was a very definite realisation that taking on the role of the woman for a male has a negative influence on his sexuality. I felt the same would happen for a woman who took on the male role. The woman would care less about children and parenting. She would, as a male, be inclined to establish easy relationships for sex, without the drive to nurture in the same way she would as a female. For the man, loss of interest in sex cuts down drive to have genital contact with a woman. There might be problems over ejaculation also.

My feelings in writing this is that most of us are living an impoverished life, simple because we deny that we are, at base, male and femal/female and male. We are all dual creatures – and by this I do not mean dressing up as a female when you have a male body. It is about becoming whole, male and female in one body.

Example: I also felt confused because of my identification with being a female. At one point I suddenly said THIS IS YOUR FATHER SPEAKING. It was a way of being able to find my male self, still capable and strong. Although I had become a woman, I had never lost sight of my maleness, or what I had done.

I saw that I had learned to be my own mother since an early age. This had arisen out of being put in the convalescent home, and had deepened when I purposely cut off from my mother. I had been my own mother, and it was here the beginnings of my femaleness had begun. I felt this strongly and quietly but with anger cursed my mother for her part in my becoming a woman. ‘Fuck you mother. Why did you do it?’

I had a sense that my mother wanted always to be in control. She couldn’t dare to let me be a man. What with being an infant mother to myself, then bringing myself up from six, followed by being the mother to my children, my male life has been truly screwed up. ‘I feel sad about me. In fact I feel sad about all of us because of the injustice of life and the casualties we become. It’s called human life. Anyway this is the shape I am, part man, part woman, the love part of me twisted up. So I’ve been sad. Finished. Have a laugh. Join the human race, the multi gendered, many shaped, distorted human race.

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