My Journey through Dreams
A personal account by a woman who wishes to be anonymous
I began taking an active interest in dreams when I was between six and seven years old. I had a horrible dream about a spider on my bicycle, and I was always wondering what it meant. That dream stuck with me for years (in fact, I still remember it quite clearly), and it was the beginning of my fascination with the subconscious mind.
Over the course of my childhood and adolescence, I had a series of dreams that were very closely related. It was like dreaming in chapters– I’d start from the beginning, go through the whole dream, and then dream the next “chapter”… and the next time I dreamt, the same thing would happen, again moving forward one chapter. The familiarity and the haunting nature of the details in the dream always gave me the feeling that there was something important in them that I should be taking notice of.
I never really found the means to begin interpreting those dreams until several years later; I never really looked for those means, either! But during this interim I began to be fascinated with the study of handwriting analysis– another means the subconscious has of bringing itself into our conscious, day-to-day mind. This sudden interest in something that could seem a vague and obscure science (but when accurately viewed, became a very logical and helpful thing to learn) revived my taste for the study of dreams, as well. I started by glancing through random websites (God bless Google, eh?) just for the heck of it, but most of them were fluffy, entertainment-type sites that were just far too pretentiously mystic to be of any real use to me. I decided then that it would be far more prudent to simply invest in a dream dictionary and look up the symbols myself. Dream Dictionary
A dubious search of the shelves in Barnes and Noble revealed your book. I’m terribly cheap– and compared to the other glorified volumes on the rack, yours was very well-priced indeed. It also appeared to have a great selection of words in it, not to mention a very easy-to-understand format. I opted for that one (I’ll admit, one of the better choices regarding reading material that I have made!), and began idly picking through it for things of interest.
The sequential dreams I’d begun having as a child were the first serious thing that I looked up.
In the first dream, I was climbing a long flight of horribly rickety stairs in my father’s mother’s house (that started as a church). I was terrified, and when I got to the top, I knew there was something horrible behind the door that scared me more than I could even say.
In the next one, I opened the door and all sorts of bats, ghosts, debris and STUFF flew at me from above.
A year or so later, I had another dream in the sequence, and in this one my brother and I were cleaning out a large room after I climbed the stairs (again, it started out as the church and then turned into the house, just like the first one). In the room was a lot of trash, dust and so on– very cluttered, with lots of dead things on the floor. I was worried during this dream that my brother would get hurt or attacked by something in the room we were cleaning.
Nearly a year after that, I dreamt the next chapter. This time I was alone, rearranging the furniture in the house, exploring it and throwing things away that I didn’t like.
And in the last one, which I had several years after that, I was running blithely down the stairs I’d once climbed so fearfully. I knew they were the same steps, even though these wound in circles down instead of shooting straight up/down. In front of me, another person was running– I could catch glimpses of her now and then, and I could hear her laughing. I knew her, but I didn’t know who she was (makes perfect sense, eh.) At every landing, she and I would stop and drink a shot of vodka mixed with orange juice. I was running lightly, almost skimming down the steps and wearing a white gown that floated as I ran.
It turned out that these dreams all related to the way my mind was handling the situation with my father. When I was very young, he had abused me severely in manners that are rather unspeakable. I ended up with Multiple Personality Disorder, and other complications. When I was ten years old, I finally began telling people what was going on, and very shortly thereafter I saw him for the last time. During all this, the dreams started.
They show my gradual coming-to-terms with the situation, in my own mind. The initial terror, loss, and horror at what was going on– and the approach to the “door”, place of no return, when I would reveal what was happening… The continuing thoughts and fears and haunting ache that remained after I opened it… My fears for my sibling, and how he would handle the loss and desertion, not to mention the baggage… My final dealing with the problem, cleaning out and reorganizing the parts of my life that he had screwed up so badly… and lastly, the freedom that caused, and the relief at being able to leave the issue behind me. I haven’t had a dream in that sequence since.
Being able to finally understand and put a label to these dreams gave me a lot of relief– and further whetted my appetite for such things! I began to think about all the dreams I had had as a child, and the ones I had in the present as well. The patterns I noticed sometimes scared me a bit, but always fascinated me.
For instance, I’ve had my MPD under strict control since the last time I saw my father. My “alter” has become essentially nonexistent, and she never takes control of my body any more. I have had to develop very firm mental control over my thoughts– although I did it mostly by necessity, and it wasn’t until I was older that I realized most people didn’t have to constantly screen their own mind to make sure they weren’t thinking someone else’s thoughts! Because of this tight hold I have, the fact that I even had MPD at all faded into the back of my mind, and I don’t think about it much. It does, however, come out very clearly in ALL of my dreams. In each one, I’m always watched by a girl, between the ages of 8 and 12. She rarely talks to me, usually never interacts with me in the dream, but she’s always there, watching. In the dream where I ran down the stairs, she was the girl in front of me, laughing– that was one of the ones that triggered my question as to whether she appeared in the other ones I’ve had.
Oh goodness! I think I’ve blathered on like an idiot for quite long enough! I’m so sorry… I hope this isn’t as boring as I’m nearly sure it will be, but since you asked I thought I should at least try to respond. I do apologize if it’s just a bunch of mindless drivel!
Thank you again, so very much, for replying to my email– and for your excellent book! It made my day to hear back from you, and to hear of your continued interest in the dreams of other people! And the flower– simply lovely, I’ve got it set as my background now.
Hope all is well, and thank you very much!