Example 8 Healing of Pain
When the certainty arose that no matter what I did, where I was, what people did for me, the pain would go on, the certainty was a healing crisis. I had spent a day at work going through the whirlpool of painful feelings and thoughts over and over again. It was a certainty that was the result of years of intense therapy that still left so much pain. Of course I had made changes, but none that took away the misery I was suffering. I had realised that it wasn’t buried trauma that had caused my incredible hurt, it was habits that I had picked up from the culture I was raised in. Habits that meant you were a failure if you left your family to live with another woman; habits that meant you were a failure if you couldn’t even love the woman you had chosen; habits that meant you couldn’t fit into ‘normal’ society; habits that left me eaten up with guilt.
When I arrived home H was out. Up rose the loneliness and pain. The circle started again – If I was with my family this pain wouldn’t arise. But if I was with my family I would want to be with H. Memories of past pain with my family arose. Wherever and whenever I was there was pain. For all my life I had been looking for a way to heal it, escape it, cover it up, work it out, run away from it – no escape.
I stood looking out of the window in the end bedroom, not knowing what to do, where to go, how, what, when, where?
H arrived home. I could feel my pain cutting me off from any flow to her. She came into the room. I could see on her face the effect of weeks of living with my uncertainty, my misery and her own. Her whole body sagged as she saw me still in a desperate state of mind. I was already in the groove to spread yet more gloom. To make her feel as fearful of being in her own home as I had grown to be because of the misery it caused me. With an effort I acted out as much warmth of meeting as I could. I walked up to her smiling and kissed her and hugged her. I backed this up by the certainty that there was no way out. I saw her whole body and face change as she relaxed. I could see her drop the anxiety of being hit yet again by my remarks my feelings my condition. It worked. From that day on I have known more peace than I have in the last two years. I have to act out the good feelings but it is working. If it goes on – it will be more peacefulness than ever before in my life. And it is possible for it to go on because it does not depend on outward things, situations and people for its existence. It depends on the certainty that there is nowhere to go – there are no answers to my problems – my pain cannot be healed – there is nothing people can do for me. That pain was an awful habit I had got into, I was learning to built new habits. I was learning how to build a new life.
I realised from all this that there was no cure for the pain I had felt as it was habits I had inherited or developed, and the only way was to develop new habits. Hard but it has worked.