The Driving Seat

There are two major conditions in life. One is being in charge of your life in a reasonable degree and making your own decisions. The other is being directed by your fears, lack of confidence or other people’s pressure or manipulation. Being in charge and directing your life is being in the driving seat. Being influenced by other people is being a passenger.

Being in the driving seat is a state of mind. It is nothing else. IT IS NOTHING ELSE!

To get into the driving seat many people use props. What I mean is that being in the driving seat means being in a position to observe all the instrument panel. So you are keeping your eye on the game, and watching what is happening with your own body and mind. You are observing all the instruments of yourself. You are watching and acknowledging what is happening to you sexually, what is happening in your fantasies, what is going on in your physical body – am I tired, am I relaxed, am I stressed, am I confident? One is observing all this in the driving seat and that allows you to make necessary changes. From the observations you can slightly shift, change, make adjustments, and so keep balance and direct the process of interaction with the ‘road’ ahead and other ‘road users’.

In the driving seat you have the microphone in your hand. You can communicate. You can communicate from a position of observation. i.e. I am feeling sexually stimulated by you – I am not feeling sexually stimulated by you – I want this of you – I do not want that of you – I appreciate that from you – I do not like what you are doing. This position of observation can be communicated to another person or persons. But some people avoid this direct acknowledgement that they are either in the driving seat or a passenger. See Self Observation

Being in that relationship with yourself is as wonderful as driving a high performance car, a plane or a rocket into space. Every tiny shift of thought, of motivation or doubt redirects where the vehicle – you – are going. So it is very important to clarify your feelings and state of body and mind.

A friend of mine recently told me about a woman noticing what her children needed, as if it were a strange or different thing. In the driving seat of course you observe what the child needs because you are observing your own needs, and you are open to communication. Therefore you can see if a child is feeling anxious or pleasured. It is straightforward.

The possible reason you may not observe what is being communicated to you by others, either verbally or non verbally, is because you are shutting down on wanting to observe what you are feeling yourself. You may not want to see or feel what is happening in your own life, and this leaads to not being aware of cues and responses in others.

Something else that causes avoidance of taking charge of ones life – being in the driving seat – is that sometimes we tend to adopt particular roles in order to deal with situations. It means we take on ready made behavioural responses instead of observing what is happening in any given situation. Taking on ready made roles also help us reduce our own need to monitor and acknowledge our behaviour and responses. Stereotyped responses that come with the role take the place of personal interaction. The role might be authoritarian, submissive, victim, attacker, intelligent, dim – but whatever it is, the need to respond personally in each moment is relieved.

There are not many people who communicate directly with you in this way, or who are willing to. And don’t forget – not only are you directing your life, but you are often carrying your passengers – your children and dependents.

Useful questions are:

If I am in the driving seat of my life what are the attitudes and feelings that are directing me?

Where is it I am actually taking my life?

If I am not in the seat, what are the skills or failings that are influencing my direction?

See Martial Art of the Mind – Questions – Avoid Being Victims – Summing Up