The Long Memory of Existence

Somehow I had opened to a direct awareness of inner deeps, and I had the consciousness of my being stretching back endlessly through my fathers. This past seemed to speak through me spontaneously and said, “Through the inheritance of our culture I have a soul. Without the self giving of men and women throughout the ages I would have no soul, no personal awareness of my own. Because of language, and the accumulation of knowledge, I have a soul. This is mankind’s gift to me. Without it I would be like an animal.”

By this I understood that I would have no self-awareness, and I saw more clearly than ever before, that this vital part of our being is literally a gift from the self giving, suffering, generous, adventure and love of all creative mankind.

“This is why people take an interest in schooling, in culture. Unconsciously they know what a wonderful thing we have received. Yet I have never wanted to give.” Here I began to groan with the pain of seeing, experiencing the wonder of what is given us, of what we can give to the future, to our own times. I cried out in tears at the simple beauty of giving of self, of trying, even if not very well, to better education, opportunities, experience, of children, so their own soul may be even more richly endowed than our own.”

I groaned and wept at the vision of what had been given, of what I could give. How I too could add my bit to this gift of a soul to children of all time.
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Another level now arose. I experienced myself as the life of my billions of cells. I could feel the tingling life of these tiny lives in my body. I felt something of their variety and unity. Particularly I was aware of a band of cells across my forehead. They were so vitally alive with sensation it felt as if suddenly they were trickling with water and my forehead was wet. I felt it but it was dry. The powerful sensation, of an irregular shape across the forehead, continued for some time though.

Other questions now arose, floating up into consciousness without me seeking them. “But if the cells die, is there any part of my being that remains, is unchanged? Is death the end? Is there anything other than our usual awareness of oneself?

When these questions rose it was as if I went in search of that in me that was in itself the answer. But as the quest deepened it became a non striving, non searching quest. If the answer existed, it did so as the basis of my being. I could not search for this fundamental because such a search would be made by and with peripheral activities, hopes, drives. It would only be my thoughts, not a direct experience of what I am.

Gradually my being became quieter and quieter. My breathing slowed so much it seemed almost non-existent. I had a feeling of my peripheral, changing self, slowly dying in ashes to reveal what all the world is seeking. I felt that as my peripheral self died, there was the possibility of this other part of my being shining through more brightly. My wife was still beside me, and I had the sense of my body being an altar on which the exterior me had burnt away, revealing an eternal quality, and she and other people, receiving it, worshipping it. There was nothing personal or worthy of self praise about this, because all of us have this central wonder. But I never really seemed to experience this thing. It never shone out. In the end I wondered if what I was experiencing was yet another cul-de-sac one is led to believe the Self is found through – that is by letting the outer self die. Looking back I think I was retracing an ancient path to this core of myself, one that is no longer applicable to us. We need not to die to, but live from this beauty.

Again into a sleep state, my hand on my penis. It was like a glow of pleasure in my genitals which radiated through the rest of my body. I began to feel the radiance of my fundamental being throughout me. This was what was missing as I lay quiet, in ashes. Now I was vitally alive, not quiet as in a death like state, yet life, being, was pouring through me.

Now an amazing thing. I heard a voice. I instantly knew it was the voice I had heard talking to me in a previous vision. But this time I could hear it clearly. It was the voice of all ages, all things, all times, of now, the essence of all life, present and past, talking to me. It said – “I am that I am.”

I remember now that prior to this occurring I had experienced some physical movements and words coming up, saying, “Pride. My pride is in the way of me seeing who I am.” I had then resolved to be willing to see anything about myself, even if I didn’t like it. I can’t remember all the details, but images of great prehistoric creatures had arisen, like they were part of my essential being and I must open to them. I felt fear about this, but opened to accept them into myself. I still felt fear but let them in. Then the voice came.

I felt this was the voice of Life, but I and this voice were one. There was no real difference between what I am and this that was in all times and things. I really felt myself as an integral part of all life and existence. And this flow of life pleasure in me so strong, it was the essential expression of this essence. It was myself. I must let it flow through me to those I contacted. Why had I held back so much with Anne? Why had I’m not let the joyousness of it come through me, into kisses or whatever necessary to give it expression and reality in another person’s experience? I was so frightened of consequences, so had been holding on. Yet I could see now how much we all need, how much Anne needs, that flow of powerful loving life to be given her. It assures us of our own joyous eternity within. I wanted to say to Anne, “I, my life, love you. Go on with strength and pleasure.”

I felt my love for Chris too. It all seemed so powerfully sexual, but this didn’t seem to matter in the least at the time. To hold on was to deny the strength or certainty our love gives to others. I felt in touch with, bathed by, the essence of life, the basic stuff of existence.

The question arose – I am one and the same as – “I am that I am” – yet I am also an individual life with particular abilities, strengths, weaknesses, and living in a particular time and place. What is my place and work in the whole?”

Recently I had deeply considered the question of what the quality of our own times is, and how I could best be a creative part of it. Now realisation after realisation poured up. I had felt our times were without the direction and purpose of past times, given as they were, aims and goals by religion, war or politics, and given cohesion also. I felt our times lacked these. The inner response was of a person bent over many things studiously examining them. Yes, our society lacked a direction, but look, this was right. What we are doing is to carefully examine in a new way, the whole mass of human experience and culture of past and present. We are weighing it, testing it, evaluating it, re-filing it. We are not taking on trust any past claims. Out of this evaluation will, is, arising slowly a new view of human existence. It is a view built not on ideals or hopes or dreams, but from a frank acceptance of what we are. Out of this will grow the desire to remodel our society upon the real needs of human existence. Out of it is arising a shift in relationships, work, schooling, family life, everything. People will begin to break free of unconscious patterns of behaviour and choose to work out new ways of behaviour. Sexuality is one of the big realms of change. Here I saw a lightning flash of images. From a modern man and woman the images changed, flash, flash, to primitive couples, animal couples, right back in evolution. The sexual position of the male mounting the female, and female being beneath, I saw as having left a very deep biological patterning of behaviour which is difficult to erase. The woman, from this patterning, seeks a submissive role with her partner. Also there is the pattern to be intimate with the dominant male in a group, even if he is not her chosen partner. In this way safety and security is gained for herself and her mate and offspring.

Such patterning I could see needs to be made conscious, accepted it as existing, and then the images bound in it gradually unconsciously redirected into other ways of relating.

My place in all this is to be a part of this personal and social re-evaluating process. To carry on my work, giving myself and what I have, more fully if I can. To help people become more aware of their unconscious life, so they can redirect it.