Charlene Gowrie’s Dream Journal

Within me was the belief that nothing good could ever happen to me, that success in life was not for me and so my positive dreams I discredited. I decided to ignore my dreams. I felt that by trusting them, I was using them as an escape. I wanted a better life and I was committed to doing all within my power to improving myself and discarding the things I felt could not help me in my quest – and this meant letting go of dreams.

But somehow, I could not completely abandon the notion they meant something. In my more faithful moments, I knew that because of the mere fact of the dream, that they existed, proved that they had meaning. And I had my own personal experience with dreams – for as long as I could remember I had always dreamt the results of my examinations. Not the actual grades, but whether I had passed the exam or not. Strangely, they had also predicted the outcome of certain situations, like interviews and job situations. I found myself looking to my dreams to guide me. I looked to the dreams to help prepare me for the day, the future. And that’s why the anxiety causing dreams scared the hell out of me.

So I Would Not Let Go of My Dreams

So despite the doubt and uncertainty, there was a part of me that would not let go. Not the rational, logical, defensive, fearful part, but that part of me that believed and held on tenaciously to the possibility that dreams had to mean something. That part of me that believed in miracles, believed in goodness, believed in possibility and hoped; the part of me that felt that life was more than a pay-cheque; a little voice inside of me that said there had to be more.

Very occasionally, I would, because of a dream, visit a certain bookstore in which resided a particular Dream Dictionary. There, I would look up the symbols and would somewhat guiltily enjoy processing the dream. I rationalized that by not buying the dictionary, I was not taking the dreams seriously. After all, they were just dreams and it was ridiculous to give them any credence.

And this was my plight for a very long time – torn between trust and doubt, both co-existing at the same time, sometimes one stronger that the other, but both always alive.

Then Came the Spider Dreams

Then the spider dreams started, the dreams were not about the spider but for some reason they would appear in the dreams, just there, not threatening, just there. Well, doubt or not, I felt this had to be explored. Something about the spider dreams and what the dictionary said about spiders caught my attention. Maybe it was the depth of the explanation, that dreaming a spider did not just mean “money” as I had been told. Maybe because I felt the author was taking dreaming seriously and it was not like one of those other dream dictionaries that just gave a meaning without any analysis or offering any link between the dreamer and the dream.

The spider dreams had to do with not wanting to confront or handle difficult feelings. At this time I was actually dealing with the end of a relationship that I had invested very heavily in, and I did not want to see it end. One thing that I had always known about dreams (although I did not believe in them!) was that once you understood the message of the dream, the dreams would cease. As soon as I linked the spider dreams to my feelings about the possible end of that relationship, the dreams stopped occurring.

One Dream Ends – Another Begins

Then began the car dreams. Almost every night, I would dream my car was either lost or stolen. In the dreams, I would first panic, but reason would save me. Either I had forgotten where I had parked, or the car would be found in a different street, sometimes the police or members of my family would help me. Again I turned to the Dream Dictionary – and this time I bought it!

The dictionary was a gift from God. It helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life. I think what appealed to me the most was that it was myself helping myself. There was something mystical and comforting in that. And who knew better than me exactly what I was going through. I did not have to explain anything, all the information was there – and the support and guidance came from within me.

This meant a great deal to me – because though a natural skeptic, I knew that I could trust myself. It was not a drug, it was not a distraction – through the dream I was able to understand and manage what was happening to me.

It showed me that I was not alone in the Universe. That there was something out there that knew, that understood, that guided, perhaps even cared – there was a plan, even if I did not know what it was.

Moving Beyond the Small Me

Then I had the mandala dream. When I read in the dictionary what this symbolized, I was so impressed with myself. I had always wanted to hope and this gave me such hope for myself, for the future. It was fascinating to me that I had dreamt something that I had no knowledge of, to find it existed, to find it had meaning.

So slowly, my doubts gave way to faith. Slowly, I stopped wondering and began to see, to believe. Slowly, in my own time and at my own pace, things began to unfold. I began to give up the very little, nagging doubts, the inconsistencies, the nuances, and the questions. Slowly, I let go.

And then the ultimate test – what about the dream, the dream that I had placed so much faith in that had not materialized at all. I remembered it very clearly, although it was about nine years old. This had been the one red flag that I had never been able to stand down.

And do you know – on processing the dream I discovered that, exactly how things had played themselves out, had actually been said in the dream.

And so now I know – and that has made all the difference.