Inadequate

It took me all my guts to tell my wife that I was inadequate as a man. In fact I stood before unable to speak because it was such an agonising thing to say. Eventually I mumbled it out, “I am inadequate.” But I think that it was lot more honest and real than wandering around with my chest stuck out and having no prick, and no love to give to my woman, only the ability to fuck. And lots of men and women equate the ability to fuck like a cat several times on the trot, with being a real man or woman. More bullshit. Life isn’t fooled. Without love they’re nothing more than a tinkling bell.

I remember telling her before we got married that I had a lifelong sexaul problem, she said not to worry as she would soon cure that.  But instead of that my  sexual struggle also hurt and undermined my wife’s sense of herself as an attractive and healthy woman, far more that she had reckoned on. I honestly don’t think I ever blamed her for what I felt, but nevertheless I could see it eating away at her. I so deeply wanted to be her full husband that her misery profoundly affected me. I was struggling and struggling to overcome the problem, but unsuccessfully. This led to yet another wound for each of us. Feeling inadequate as a male, feeling a failure, I did what for me was the greatest act of love I could manage. I told Hyone that because I could never properly fulfilled her as a man, I could accept it if she took another man as a sexual partner.

Unfortunately this was akin to when she packed my bags, only reversed. She didn’t see it as a sense of defeat and sacrifice in me, but as a total rejection. Her response made me so angry it was one of the few times I hit her. I felt as if I were willing to give her everything, even my self-respect as a man, and this still wasn’t enough. I had nothing else to give her or to say, only my fist could speak. As it happened my hand hit one of her pelvic bone’s and cracked one of the bone’s in my finger.

 

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