Affair

In general dreaming of a pleasant affair is a way of enjoying or exercising the wonderful feelings of falling in love and sharing emotional and sexual pleasure. Many dreams are compensatory, and therefore make up for the lack of passion or excitement in our daily life. But having an affair in a dream may help keep alive or active the ability to love and be loved if there is not sufficient stimulus in waking life. It is not unusual for married and happy people to dream of an affair with someone else.

This may express nothing more than a desire for variety, but of course occasionally is the sign of an infatuation or desire for the person we love in the dream. Adultery dreams may also express release of sexual feelings; desire for another partner; desire for one’s partner to have sex with someone else.

The person you are having an affair with may represent a particular attitude or situation in your life. Therefore if the dream has a strong feeling such as failure or fear attached to it, the affair might well be dealing with your ?relationship? with such life situations. Examples include – infidelity; betrayal; failure; longing for love; feeling alone in a relationship; etc.

Many dreams of lovers are a painful and often desperate affair where the dreamer longs for the attention and ‘love’ of someone she or he has a crush on. These are often a natural part of growth where in dreams we wrestle with powerful emotions until we emerge with more mature responses. See Beware of Love.

Another possibility with dreams about an affair is that they express the constant process of trying to find a balance between what we deeply desire and what is socially or personally possible. Some people will marry or live with a person because that person is the best they could achieve in the circumstances. Nevertheless they may still long for someone different. Or perhaps there are aspects of relationship missing in their present situation, and they long for a fuller satisfaction but do not want to

destroy their present situation. See: boyfriend; sex in dreams.

Difficult affair: Because dreams are a safe area to explore our emotions and relationships, such difficult dreams may be a way of meeting fears we have about relationship. Often they bring to the surface painful feelings about a past or present relationship. There is thus a chance to work through such difficulties toward an ease with ones feelings of attraction and love. See: processing dreams.

Dreaming about someone you are having a waking affair with: Your feelings about, analysis of, fears regarding the state of the affair and where it will develop. See: Fifth example below.

Homosexual affair: For women their first love affair was with their mother, so was a love for someone of the same sex. So a woman’s homosexual dream may often have this element of seeking the comfort and love of the mother. In a more general sense such dreams may depict ones difficulties or fears of relating to someone of the other sex; ones hidden feelings and difficulties regarding ones father if in a male’s dream; the introversion of ones own sexuality and desires if one is being seduced or buggered; or meeting an autonomous or dissociated part of ones own nature; exploring what is involved at a more than surface level in the relationship.

Loving affair: Our experience or pleasure in relationship is one of the most profound experiences we can meet. It can be enormously healing if we can relate to pleasure in a way that does not cause tension or guilt. Therefore loving relationships in dreams are ways of exploring our own possibilities, not only within ourselves, but also in future relatedness. The person we are relating to in the dream is an image not only of our own desires but also of how we relate to intimacy, love and pleasure. The interaction with them reveals all your difficulties and skills in regard to living and being loved.

In Damon’s dream below, he gradually moves beyond a feeling of separateness to an experience of union. This suggests he is feeling at ease with his own sexuality and ability to melt, thus allowing another person to enter his feelings deeply. In fact when such union takes place there is a very real sharing of self in a psychological way, much as there is at a physical level when the sex cells merge and share genetic material.

Ones partner having an affair: If the dream is disturbing, usually displays the fears we have about being unlovable or inadequate – see example below; a deep wish to be rid of ones partner. So seeing him/her with another person makes it possible to leave him/her without feelings of guilt or responsibility. In a very few cases this depicts an intuition of ones partner having a secret affair in real life. See: autonomous complex.

Example: I was in a building with a number of people. Winnie, a woman I worked with many years ago was there, sitting cross legged on the floor. I went to her and kissed her. She responded and I put my hand down on her thigh under her skirt, and gently moved it under her knickers to touch her vagina. It was moist and wet with excitement and I pushed my fingers into the slippery crevice. As I did so my feelings rose in a beautiful soft and satisfying orgasm. I thought I had ejaculated, but had not.

Then I was in a street and met a dark haired young woman. We embraced and kissed. The feeling of mutual pleasure was intense. So much so I felt what she was feeling as if we did not have separate bodies. I felt an orgasm grow inside her pelvis and reach its pitch, flowing into the rest of her body. It was her orgasm but it felt as if it were mine also. It was a beautiful melting experience with no harshness or disappointment anywhere. Damon.

In the dream below Andrew’s fear of his wife’s desire for another man is being expressed. But the dream really depicts Andrew’s feelings of sexual inadequacy.

Example: I was on board a pleasure cruiser with my wife. As I stood on a high deck I looked down and saw her sitting below with very tight knickers on and nothing else. As a man walked toward her the knickers came off or slipped down. The man was sexually aroused and started attempting to penetrate her. She only put up a token resistance, mewing a bit, but not fighting him off. I rushed toward them and kicked him off.? Andrew P.

Example: I sit on a bed. Near me, looking at a book I am holding is a woman I know, Stella. I realise as we talk that her foot is touching mine. As my wife is on my left across the room I feel uncomfortable about this. Now Stella has her left hand on my penis. I have only underpants on. She remarks that it is interesting that my penis has its own little pocket, which is a reference to my pants, and seems to make sense in the dream. The contact is pleasant and undemanding, but I feel more and more ill at ease. I feel Stella is not having any respect for my relationship with my wife and start to tell her so. As I do this I realise I am sitting so near to the edge of the bed I am almost falling off. Rick D.

This dream presents the struggle Rick has with his pleasure at having the attention of another woman, and his feelings of connection with his wife. The edge of the bed and falling suggests he feels very on edge and insecure about such feelings.

Example: Someone was fondling my breasts. I felt the weight of whoever it was as they lay by my side. An electric like feeling ran up from my feet. It woke me up instantly as I was terrified. I dreaded going to bed. My husband and I have had separate rooms for years, due to his insomnia. The dream occurred a few times a week. Sometimes twice a night. Eliza L.

Eliza is a spiritualist, so believes the experience is a psychic event. As a casual observer there appears to be a direct connection between the lack of her husbands attention and the clear experience of a sexual partner. Her terror is most likely due to the fact that Eliza is actually frightened of her strong sexual feelings, and so may have chosen an undemanding husband. If not that, she is certainly afraid of this emergence of her dream life into apparent physical reality. See: hallucinations.

Example: I was sitting with my husband, my daughter or sister, and Rachel C. Rachel, who is the same age as my daughter, was telling us all that she wanted and would have a sexual relationship with B, my husband. As she kept talking about this, I thought, at first, how open and honest she was being and how easily she could talk about her sexuality, but as I listened I began to feel cross and upset as I saw B. was going along with what she was saying. She and my husband lay down on the wooden floor. He was being very encouraging and his eyes were shining very brightly. At this point I felt very upset. My daughter/sister pointed out to everyone that I was upset but no one seemed to notice until then, and I felt that B. was really teasing me and making fun of my not being able to cope with the situation. My husband came over to me with his arm out to touch me but I was so angry and I put my arm up to shield myself from his touch and then began to throw things at him to express how angry I was feeling. H.

Example: For the last year I have been having an affair with a married man. I dream I am visiting his home, and as I approach or should I say float up to the front door, which is open, I can clearly see him standing in the hall. One of his sons is shouting down the stairs and he is answering back. He seems agitated and harassed. I deliberately float by the open door and linger long enough for him to see me. At this point I am aware that something is following at my heel. My man then quickly comes out of the house and sadly indicates he cannot leave his family and home for me, and quickly returns to the domestic scene. I then sadly turn away, and as I look down I see a large scraggy Irish wolfhound. I realise he has come out of the back door of the house, and has been following me closely. The striking part of the dream is this rough looking dog, for when I look into its deep dark brown eyes I can see and feel such love and devotion and am so warmed. As I take the road away from the house, the dog stays close at my heels and I know I have a devoted friend who will never leave me and I feel much happier. As we walk away I can hear in the distance my man’s wife calling the dog from the back door. On getting no reply I hear her irritatedly say ‘Well, we can easily get another one’. and bangs the door. J. Y.

J. is working out her situation with her lover in this dream, realising for herself that he is not going to leave his family. Nevertheless, she does take something positive from the relationship, shown as the dog, which probably depicts devotion and warm love.

Useful Questions and Hints:

In what way does this dream comment on my present relationship(s)?

Are there lessons in this dream I can apply to my waking life?

Does the dream show things I am denying myself in waking, or that I could express in waking life?

What problems are shown in the dream that I need to be clear about and work on?

It could help to read Growing Up to Love and Beware of Love. See: Adultery