Journey Inwards

On an August day in the year 2017, I had the great pleasure of spending time with my life long friend Brenda O’Grady. As I have quoted elsewhere, “Where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”

My take on this quote, that has been proved to me over and over by my experience, is that when even two people are together to explore and understand the inner life, a greater power to do so is experienced. It always feels to me that it is something beyond what I am capable of being or doing by myself.

On that day I set out to find the answer to a question I had been asking myself with no valuable results. The question was, “Is there anything arising from within me that I am not seeing, or is worth understanding?”

So, listening to the quietness within I sat with eyes closed and observed what arose. At first nothing but random spontaneous movements of my head. Movements suggesting looking for something. Then, quite soon something subtle began as the memory of my first dream of ‘The House of the Ancestors‘. It was such a pointed and significant dream, for I looked through a hole in the floor of this grand old house, and tried to bring up things belonging to my forbears using a rope, with no luck.

But while exploring what meaning the dreamt held within it, I realised I had the key to be able to open myself to what the message of my ancestors told me. But in today’s exploring I had passed that way before, and quickly went deeper, finding myself in the great catacombs or cavern. As I passed the grave of the woman, one of my spirits of a past dwelling place, who had died in the enormous pain of losing all her family, all that was dear to her, it was no longer alive with her pain but was an empty grave, so I passed by it. See Woman’s Pain

Now the whole experience deepened for I was going deeper into myself, my past and my history. I had images of walking down a slope, still in the great cavern, and I met another level of human history, the life of the jungle.

I travelled deep into the wooded mind of remembered things, into the jungled heart of forgotten faiths. And there in buried strata of memories, I stumbled into a grand temple, alive and watching, weighing me.

For there, rank upon rank of creatures dwelt and looked upon me from ancient eyes. Eyes informed from the cascading forms flowing from the depths of time. Before my kind could walk the earth, those eyes were old. Emerging, mating, dying, in the torrent of their rising and falling flesh. Yet in the very midst of the torrential change, the timeless patterns gleamed. Shone in their life lustered eyes as I stood before them. Then wordless the questions came. And in silence they asked me –

When you have hunted and gathered from field or flesh, do you share what you have with your mate?

When young spring out of the womb, can you give of your body to them, and rise above conflict to protect them?

When you meet one of your kind, can you treat them with respect according to their place in the pack?

There was no need for me to answer for they read my heart. No perfect record there, but I had laboured long to feed my cubs. My mate had eaten as I had eaten. The wounds upon my body to survive were worn with pride.

And so that mighty gathering took me then as one to them. My inner beast rose up to take the blessing, all conflict between us gone. I the animal! I the human!

Now I went deeper than the level of the forest to an older stratum of life, and as I walked down the slope I was among the great animals from the prehistoric dinosaur period. I had met them before when a volcanic type of eruption from the bowels of the earth spewed up a prehistoric monster in my dream. But later images of great prehistoric creatures had arisen, like they were part of my essential being and I must open to them. I felt fear about this at the time, but opened to accept them into myself. I still felt fear but let them in. Then the voice came. It was the voice of Life, yet Life and I are one.

The voice led me to experience a question I had felt, that our times were without the direction and purpose of past times, given as they were then, aims and goals by religion, war or politics, and given cohesion also. I felt our times lacked these. The inner response was of a person bent over many things studiously examining them. Yes, our society lacked a direction, but look, this was right.

What we are doing is to carefully examine in a new way, the whole mass of human experience and culture of past and present. We are weighing it, testing it, evaluating it, and filing it. We are not taking on trust any past claims. Out of this evaluation will, or is arising slowly a new view of human existence. It is a view built not on ideals or hopes or dreams, but of a frank acceptance of what we are. Out of this will grow the desire to remodel our society upon the real needs of human existence. Out of it is arising a shift in relationships, work, schooling, family life, everything.

People will begin to break free of unconscious patterns of behaviour and choose to work out new ways of living and loving. Sexuality is one of the big realms of change. Here I saw a lightning flash of images. From a modern man and woman the images changed, flash, flash, to primitive couples, animal coupling, right back in evolution. The sexual position of the male mounting the female, I saw as having left a very deep biological patterning of behaviour which is difficult to erase. The woman, from this patterning, seeks a less dominant role with her partner. Also there is the pattern to be intimate with the dominant male in a group, even if he is not her chosen partner. In this way safety and security is gained for herself and her mate and offspring.

Such patterning I could see needs to be made conscious, accept it as existing, and then the images bound in it gradually unconsciously redirected into other ways of relating.

All that flowed from my connection with the very ancient, but it linked with a dream of me walking. Then I came to a large body of water, a lake. It was on the site where much building or building excavations had taken place. The water had filled the building foundations. In the lake were prehistoric animals. I felt it was like a “lost world” where these creatures still lived on.

One creature rose from the water and I felt afraid. It was like a big cone. A lorry went by fast as I watched. Then I hurried away, but the creature was following and spoke to me in a human voice.

But later I became the ancient being. Everything hurts so much. Living and being a basic/human is so painful in today’s world, I just wanted to stop the hurting so much. It all hurts so much. The life of today does not harmonise with the ancient being we have been and still are in many ways, so we feel pain.

I experienced myself as the mystery of life became a beast, an ape/man, experiencing the agony and wonder of growing from being an animal to becoming a human. I understood in a flash the meaning of the creatures in the swamp dream. I am life – ancient, prehistoric life, meeting the demands of today’s world, today’s social scene, today’s conscious self and its decisions. It is the ancient self my inner research has uncovered in its dealings, yet I have been running away. That is because my feelings self has been so hurt and in pain.

Yes, I understood, the beast in me has a healthy fear of much that goes on in today’s world. Fear is a guardian that protected ancient beast from uncountable dangers for millions of years. Yes, there were so many real dangers that fear and anxiety gave us the strength to run from. Yes, the healthy beast in us today still feels fear and anxiety as it looks out of its eyes as a modern human. It must not be crushed or repressed. Gradually it will grow and fear less. Given the time, and let it grow slowly beyond its fear.

So as I walked among the giant creatures and the small and tiny animals that lived with them, they were at ease with me and I with them, for at this level of our being we are all kin.

Then I was led to experience something very moving emotionally. I went deeper into the exploration than ever before, and suddenly realised that my house – of the ancestors and of my personal life – had been built on Holy Ground.

It is difficult to explain the effect it had on me. Maybe it was several things all at once. I had reached the end of the road for there was nowhere else to go, for I had reached Home, the beginning of my existence. Also the enormous realisation that my being, my life and existence had emerged, been built on, something inexplicably wonderful. It was connected with something that had no shape, no gender and nothing to show – except it was holy. So much so I went down on my knees, realising my own humility. See Big Bang

In its presence there were no kings or queens, no leaders, no great beings or angels, no gurus and followers, because being near it we were all of equal importance.

I the human – the ordinary – the extraordinary

I explored by using Opening to Life