Puzzling

I was alone from an early age.
Strange what made me realise it.
I was in the car with the radio on,
And listening to one of the soaps.
Jenny’s dad was seriously ill,
Perhaps dying.
She was so upset.
Sort of drugged.
Only just coping.
And I thought how
Strange it is that people
Are so upset by death.

Jenny was saying how her dad
Had taken her to football;
And sat and talked,
Even laughed with her.
I have no memories like that.
When my dad died
I felt it deeply,
But it wasn’t anything
To weep about
Or be upset by.
It was just
A meeting with death –
Sort of face to face.
Same with my mum.

Then I realised
How I had been alone
All those years.
There were adults
In the house with me,
Called Mum and Dad.
But those were just names.
We lived in the house together,
But I was alone,
As far as being there with love.
And it feels okay now,
Though it has been bad.
So it seems to me
As if most other people
Live in a different world,
With their feelings
And connections
With others I mean.

It seems to give them a lot of pain.
So my world feels pretty good.
It was rough to start with,
But I learned to let go
Of things and people,
And don’t feel as if
They are part of my
Own self being ripped away.
It is strange hearing Jenny’s
Misery though –
Sort of puzzling.

Copyright ©2001 Tony Crisp