You Want a Daddy don’t You

This simple dream has so much information when it was explored.

Example: There were a lot of children, mostly girls, who had no parents and were trained for nursing from an early age. One of the girls came to me as I lay in a chair. She wanted a cuddle. I held her for a while. Then a boy came for a cuddle. I said to one of them, perhaps the boy, “There are plenty of mums about (meaning the nurses), but you want a daddy don’t you?” I held him with my strength. One of the children asked me if my nurse friend had got a man yet. I considered for a while, then said no, she hadn’t, as I realised I was not her “man”, only a friend.  Alec.

Alec was a married man with children. His wife had been a nurse. When Alec explored his dream he described what he experienced as follows.

It was clear early on that the nurses represented my wife as she had worked as a nurse, but the rest of the dream was still beyond me. But as I imagined myself as the young boy I knew this was me. I didn’t like seeing that part of me. I had kept it covered up with pride over the years, but it was there and I was at first ashamed to see this childlike, dependent, emotionally hurt part of myself. It was because I related to my wife in this dependent, childlike way that the dream showed me holding him. My father had never really been a man for me and the child me was desperately in need of knowing that strength.

The boy’s question was a turning point for me. In fact my wife didn’t have a ‘man’ yet, because I was still moving toward real manhood. But suddenly I felt what the little girl in the dream meant. I said to my wife, “You’re the little girl in the dream. Do you see? Every time I get back to my warm sexual feelings I’m a little boy again, because I haven’t really grown up sexually yet, and that scares you. Whenever my weak side shows, you feel really threatened so you attack that part of me. It’s because you need a strong daddy because your father never provided it, and every time I show my weakness it triggers the little girl in you whose daddy was weak. He never grew up, so you never had a strong man for a father. That’s why you married me. Okay, I am strong enough now to be your strong daddy like I am in the dream.”

There was more to the problem though. Why did my wife’s little girl trigger my withdrawn little boy? I entered into this. I remembered how, when we had separate beds, I had often wanted to masturbate but had stopped in case my wife heard. I realised how much I wanted to hide my masturbation from her. At the same time I realised how I easily stood before her naked and with an erection, so what was this problem over masturbation? Of course, it was mother again. My mother had given me hell over masturbation as the disapproving mother, and when my wife got into her “downing” role I saw her as the disapproving manhood killing mother again, and was deeply repulsed by her. I am not going to be killed again by/mother/wife, so I will cut off from her and will give my manhood to women who do not kill me.

I needed my wife to accept me as masturbating, why? My hand was on my penis. I rubbed and enjoyed my penis and felt its delight. Yes, it was clarifying. My mother had killed my growing life at 13 when she scared me about masturbation. That was the point where my life, love and manhood was killed. When it came to life again it was still at that point. Yet every time I approached my wife as a masturbating, pleasure loving teenager, she downed me, like the disapproving mother who kills. As I was not going to be killed I could not relate to her and split off to other women. So we were in a vicious circle. I needed to become a little boy to reach my living feelings and grow from there. Yet every time I did this it appeared as a threat to Brenda’s little girl whose daddy might leave her or not be strong. But if I was strong enough to give love to Brenda’s little girl, and if she recognised her action, maybe we could break free of this terrible pattern of behavioural response.

The dream showed me both had an “Adult” as well as a child. Our Adult relationship was one of friendship but needing further development, even though the children in us needed a strong man’s love.