Boyfriend or Ex

Dreaming about your boyfriend is usually about your emotional feelings, attachment to, or fears about the boyfriend. This includes the difficulties, struggles with feelings and sexuality felt in connection with boyfriend or other males. It might also be your insights into his behaviour. Please read Ages of Love

Boyfriend dreams often have an element either of fear or dreaming of possibilities. In other words the dream explores what you fear might happen in the relationship, and what you hope will happen. See Inner People 

Example: I constantly have a dream that me and my best friend/boyfriend of 3 years just suddenly aren’t together. I never know why, but I am either with another guy or simply alone and just have this horrible feeling in my stomach, and know it’s not right. In my dream I get upset my bf never called or contacted me after breaking up, and I never know why we ended either. The dream ends with me giving in and trying to find a way to call him but then I wake up. The obvious conclusion would be I think I belong with my bf, but is there anything else possibly?

This is a wonderful example of how the mind works, and the play between what we allow ourselves to think – our conscious mind – and what we do not allow ourselves to know – our unconscious. As an example of this here is another young woman’s dream.

Example: During my teens I was engaged to be married when I found a more attractive partner and was in considerable conflict. Consistently I dreamt I was at my fiancé’s funeral until it dawned on me the dream was telling me I wanted to be free of him. When I gave him up the dreams ceased. I don’t understand what this means, and its really bothering me. Why am I dreaming of this? Can you help me understand the meaning of these dreams?

Each person we spend time with, fall in love with, make love to or grow up with, or even with animals, we develop an incredible and often invisible bond. For instance many women and men write and ask why they keep dreaming of partners, parents of even old friends they have moved on from.  You keep dreaming about your ex from years ago or old friends because while you lived with them you experienced millions of memories, situations, conflict and learning experiences. So you carry them with you as memories, lessons learnt, love or anger still trying to find a way of being absorbed.

So in a way it is not your husband, ex or others you are dealing with but yourself – we dream about them and use them as a symbols of what we picked up from the relationship. We cannot have a mass of experience with someone and move away without it influencing us. Life is, in a very real way, a learning experience, and every new experience has to be fitted into what we are learning.

Cheated on: Many dreams of this are sent and here is an example:

Example: In my dream I’m with my ex girlfriend (who I still hang out with) we are hanging out being really close and lovey on each other. Then I leave the room for something and when I come back she is with a man. In this reoccurring dream she is always with a different guy and I don’t know who any of them are. When I walk in they are really close to each other and holding hands sometimes she is sitting on his lap. In my dream it always breaks my heart and I tell her how I feel and she acts like she doesn’t care. Then I wake up. In real life we were together for 2 years and I’m a girl. While we were together she cheated on me with men. We still hang out today but we are just friends with benefits.

This type of dream is usually from a young woman who either sees her boyfriend with another man or has powerful suspicions that he is seeing someone else. The dreamer is actually meeting her unresolved feelings of jealousy, of feeling not as good as the other person and not being lovable.

Ex-lover/boyfriend: This frequently shows any feelings or hopes still connected with him. The ex-boyfriend or lover often becomes a symbol for all the hopes for love that are not being satisfied at the moment, or in the present relationship. Sometimes it is a way of digesting or living in the past. It may occur in some dreams that the ex-lover is seen as a dead body, or a murder is involved. This is usually because we are killing, or have killed some of our longings and love for that person.

Example: Although married for almost nine years, I have been dreaming almost every night about an old friend. We used to date twelve years ago, but although we still meet occasionally, our relationship now is purely platonic.

About two weeks before I found out he was getting married I had a dream where he handed me a single red rose and said ‘I love you, but the time’s not right’. In the latest dream I was reading a paper with the heading ‘Broken Hearted Babies’, with a picture of both of us as babies, with our names underneath. Amanda – Teletext.

Obviously Amanda still has unfulfilled longing and dreams in regard to her ‘old friend’. Even so it is worth reading the things in the previous section.

Example: I dream I am in a room with my ex-boyfriend – Gary. I feel scared about having sex with him but want him to show me all the excitement and thrill of sex. I love him but can’t tell him how much I want the enjoyment of his body closer to mine. You are the first person I can write to telling about having sex with my ex-boyfriend. Donna – Lancs.

Relationships are complicated and here Donna is experiencing the conflict of wanting him yet being separated. Remember that dreams are like computer games I which you can be killed, make love a thousand times, and come away none the worse – unless of course you feel that what happened was exactly like waking life. Then you would have the sort of questions and dilemmas you are telling me about. See Dreams Like a Computer Game; Dreams are a reflection of your inner world.

Daughter’s boyfriend: This may illustrate your judgements and feelings about the boyfriend.

Male dreaming of boyfriend: Usually this is about the qualities of weaknesses you witness in your friend. See the entry on Characters and People in Dreams to understand this. It can also be about the reasons you have become friends, and the intricacies of the relationship.

Useful Questions and Hints:

If this is about a past love, what do I honestly now feel about him and why?

Do the events in the dream show what I fear – and if so can I honestly see them as fears, not reality?

What relationship situation does the dream depict, and how does this comment on waking life?

See Growing Up to Love – People Animals and Objects of our Dreams are Projections

Comments

-Vanessa 2015-04-01 7:13:55

I’ve had this issue, but my real question I’m searching for is that why are my guy friends, and/or ex’s, tell me that I always visit their dreams. Dreams that are of quality time, helping, sensual, and passionate, and/or erotic. I’m a scorpio and am empathetic, passionate, independent, loving, sarcastic, down to earth, woman and love all beings as if they are innocent until betrayed. Been in two long relationships 5 and 6 that I tried to desperately to work out, but defeat won when the others were not on the same plane as I. They realize that now and tell me they can’t get me out of their dreams, as well as other guy friends I speak to. I just find it interesting that I come across this a lot and wonder why. Still searching for an answer…comments please.

    -Anna 2015-04-01 8:11:31

    Vanessa – Since all dreams are of quality time, helping, sensual, and passionate, and/or eroticessa, I think they have projected the positive aspect of their anima onto you.
    Whatever aspect of the anima is most pronounced in a man, there is a tendency to project it on to any woman he gets close to emotionally.
    A woman, who carries this positive projection for a man, readily becomes the object of his erotic fantasies and sexual longings.
    As far as not being on the same plane is concerned:
    Perhaps you discovered that your partner resented any attempt to develop your individual personality in such a way that it went beyond the anima image he has placed on you? This is possible when he did not see you as you actually are, but as he wants you to be. In that case he wants you to fulfil and live out for him his projected feminine image, and this of course will collide with your human reality as a person. So you may have found yourself living in a box, fenced in by his determination that you fulfil his projection for him.
    The value of taking back our projections is that we can now see and accept our partners for who they are — not what we wanted them to be; not what we wish they would change into; not for what they can give us; but who they are. The love that can then grow between two partners is profound because it is real. Real love, unlike projection, is a willingness to see and support another person to be their own unique, separate self. This will untangle us from seeking in them the perfect parent-mirror image of ourselves, for as long as we are still seeking to be completed by another person, we will not allow them their own autonomy.
    See also http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/individuation/
    and
    http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/archetype-of-the-anima-jungs-view-of-the-female-in-the-male/
    Anna 🙂

-Sara 2015-03-31 4:41:48

Hi Anna,

I have been suffering from dreams of my ex boyfriend that always revolve around cruise ships. In one dream, my ex and I were dating and the ship crashed and we had to try and get out of it. It was such a nightmare I woke up. I had another dream where he and I were dating and on a cruise ship and it was lovely. He was my boyfriend in this dream and then the boat started to sink. In my dream last night, he was actually on a cruise ship and I was with his family walking up to go get him after it had docked. I loooked up and I saw that part of the ship had fallen off and I screamed his name out loud and was so worried. Again, we were boyfriend and girlfriend in this dream and I was so worried but he made it out and wasn’t injured. He was complemented when I told him how scared I was that I thought something had happened to him.

He had moved away to another province and tried to do the long distance relationship thing and eventually we faught a lot and he ended the relationship, stating he was unhappy. Then he gave me the promise we might get back together when he came back from school, but a month later he told me he was over me and since then I have removed him from my life, but I still love him and wish he would reach out to me when he comes back.

What do my dreams mean and how can I get them to stop?

    -Anna 2015-03-31 9:59:56

    Sara – It is important to allow those dreams, for in these dreams you are learning to accept what IS.
    Dating on a cruise ship is about the desire to still be part of his life the way you used to be; to have an intimate relationship with him.
    And the ship sinking is about digesting that your “relation-ship” has finished.
    I think it will be helpful to honestly question this part; even when that might be painful to you:
    “He was complemented when I told him how scared I was that I thought something had happened to him”.
    Were these worries about his (physical and/or psychological) wellbeing, or were these worries about your not being able to get what you want when he would not have been able to leave the ship?
    Please also read http://dreamhawk.com/relationship-sex/surviving-love-and-relationships/
    Anna 🙂

-aranel 2015-03-31 1:07:23

Hi for about a week now iv been having dreams about my ex who i was with for two years. Its been a year since the break up. hes moved on and now loves his new girl and i have a son with another anyways. In my dream we are hanging out either shopping at mall or at some random house and he is holding a child who seems to be 4 or 5 year old. they are laughing and playing as i watch them and that makes me feel so happy in my dreams. This been going on for almost a week now. but why now?

    -Anna 2015-03-31 8:30:27

    Aranel – It is not your ex you are dreaming of, but your dreams are showing you your inner feelings about the past relationship and all the memories needing to be digested and learned from. Remember that because you were together for a while there is no way you can ‘have nothing to do’ with someone you have been intimately involved with. It doesn’t work like that. Most people are often totally unaware of the massive experience they take in during a relationship and how it interacts with them when we love someone. In other words the memories and experience we gather unconsciously change us and are not lost. It is part of you and is symbolised in dreams as a person or event.

    And so I think the child is an aspect of you which you were able to give birth to while you were in a relationship with your ex. So although you saw the child (boy or girl?) laughing and playing with your ex, the child is yours.
    To understand this, I like you to read http://dreamhawk.com/pregnancy-childbirth/the-baby-in-your-dream/
    So what is it that is part of you and which part has grown in your inner world?
    Why now? I trust that for some reason unknown to me, it is helpful to recognize this growing part in yourself so you can use it with awareness.
    “Being the child” and/or “Talking as the child” could help you in this process.
    http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/acting-on-your-dream/#BeingPerson
    and
    http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/practical-techniques-for-understanding-your-dreams/#TalkingAs
    Anna 🙂

-Sofia 2015-03-30 16:01:33

I had a dream that my ex fiancé sister is trying to get us back together. What does that mean?

Thank you

-Dreamer 101 2015-03-28 4:30:58

I have a dream about my friend and my ex. They both walked out of the school and my ex kissed my friend on her forehead. What could this mean? Its seriously freaking me out

    -Anna 2015-03-28 8:48:55

    Dreamer 101 – It takes some inner growth to move towards allowing your (ex) friends the same freedom as you would like to have. I suppose you like some male friends of your ex too and perhaps you even feel like kissing (one of) them on the forehead too every now and then.
    See http://dreamhawk.com/relationship-sex/ages-of-love-2/
    Anna 🙂

-Jem 2015-03-25 13:12:54

So I had a dream about a month ago of an ex that I dated over 10 years ago. In the dream there was no sex but a long passionate kiss. When I woke up, I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m now in love with this man, from a dream. He is all that I think about. I am now married for almost 10 years but I realize that i am no longer in love with my husband. When I messaged my ex, he told me that he had been thinking of me for months. Could this be a sign that we’re meant for each other? This has never happened to me before. Btw, I have prophetic dreams about the future. Help. ..

    -Anna 2015-03-26 5:05:32

    Jem – I wonder if this is merely about finding the courage to leave a man you do not love anymore.
    Sometimes a “new, old love” can help us find the motivation we are lacking to take that decision, and as I see it, that does not necessarily mean that you are “meant for each other” for a long time.
    Either way, with or without prophetic dreams, the decision is yours.
    The man in your dream I see as a symbol for your inner male and it will be a wise decision to explore if you prefer to project this inner male on your ex, rather than recognizing that he is a part of your inner life which you could merge with more fully.
    See http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/archetype-of-the-animus-jungs-view-of-the-male-in-the-female/
    QUOTE
    _______________________________________
    A good relationship with a man in your dream shows the woman integrating her own ability to be independent and capable in outwardly active terms. This makes her more whole, balancing her ‘female’ qualities. She would then be less dependent upon an external male to feel whole.
    _______________________________________

    Anna 🙂

-Rina 2015-03-25 0:47:47

About 16 years ago I went in few dates with a kid from my class ( last years of highschool ), it wasn’t really dates per say, we exchanged a kis or two but that is as far as it went. You see something happened in our home twon and I took the first train out ( figure of speach ) and left without ever thinking to try to talk to him or give him anykind of explenation. 16 years later as chance would have it we both live in a different country like thousands of miles away from our home . I knew he was here smewhere since I have a friendly report with his sister for past couple of years ( I knew her too when we all were at school ). I really didn’t love him, I wasn’t in love with him, and never really thought about any of it until lately I have been having this strange dreams with him and his mom, in my dreams we are together, very much in love and his mom is happy and loves me but towards the end of the dream I get this feeling that the reason I am dreaming is because I had hurt him a lot, and our end of a relationship that had not really started was the reason he has chosen the life he has ( pretty much avoid and ignore his family wich his sister and his mom do care for me, his mom was a teacher at the same school we went ). Well I do have a bit sharper intuition than most, but didn’t pay attention to the dreams until the last one ( I am happily married and have two beautiful children ). I had this urge to serch for him and I knew I will not find anything because I had searched before, but this time I let my intuition guide me so I found him in the internet, I know now his phone number at work, phone number at home, I know all of his info in case I decided to give him a call. What shocked me was the reason no one knew much about him was he has changed his surname. Anyway I found him in Linkedin and looked at his profile just to make sure and even though I have not seen him in forever it was him, later I one I get notified that he had gone a looked at my profile too which I have no picture nor anything but my name and surname…any way should I try to make the first step or just ignore this whole thing. From my dreams I get this feeling that he has no realtion with his family any more ( mom, dad and sister ) and somehow he didn’t tell them about us so they do not know I have had such hard effect on him..I am very confused as I have no idea what to do, I hate to think he might have suffered, I just never really thought about it since we really didn’t even date, yet if he has gone to such lengths to disaper not to be found I do not want to bother him. So do I take the dream as some sort of info and try to biuld a bridge or at least have him have some clousure, or do I say away he knows I have looked at his profile, and even though he can not send my any email there he can find me on FB now that he knows my marriage surname ( which I think he has been keeping tabs on me for a while now )..

    -Anna 2015-03-25 7:53:56

    Rina – Dreams are a magical mirror in which your innermost hopes, longings, fears/terrors and genius are made real. They are made real as external environments, people, animals and relationships. So the person you dreamt about is not them, but is a dream image made out of your feelings and memories.

    Unfortunately this wonderful virtual reality world is usually felt as dealing with other people, as externals.
    And even IF what you dreamt about this man is about him only, and not about what goes on in your inner world, then you are still not responsible for HIS closure or for HIS feelings or for any of the decisions HE took in his waking life. You are responsible for your closure, for your feelings and for the decisions you took in your life.
    Please read http://dreamhawk.com/relationship-sex/ages-of-love-2/
    Since these dreams about “him” were able to trigger so many thoughts and feelings inside you, I feel it is a wise decision to work on digesting all these experiences and feelings about that period of your life ( “You see something happened in our home town and I took the first train out ( figure of speach )”)
    Digestion is a very important function not just for our body but also for our mind and spirit. I have seen people become very ill in mind because they have not digested their experience or what they have learnt at school or the lessons and experience of a relationship long gone. And digestion is a Life function. Life in us is often greatly overlooked and our dreams are one way of showing us how we have not surrendered our life experience to that function.
    See http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/digest/

    Anna 🙂

-Katheryn 2015-03-19 12:46:46

Hi I hope you can help me! I had an extremely vivid dream last night it felt so real! I’ll start by letting you know the basics I am currently in the last few weeks of pregnancy and know this can sometimes affect the dreams we have but this one really freaked me out! I’ve bin with my current boyfriend (father of my unborn child) for nearly a year now we have an extremely open and honest relationship we know everything about each other, he has a 5 year old little boy from his ex wife I have never met her but I know what she looks like and how horrible she can be from her vile texts and phone calls they were together for nearly six years and he always calls it a sham marriage it ended because she cheated on him with her ex this has also happened to me in past relationships. Last night I had an awful dream that started out as we are now we were happy and strong then we had a little argument over something silly and he left I waited for him to come home but he didn’t for a number of days when he did return he seemed like a different person unhappy and distant with me this continued through my dream until I ended up following him and finding him go to his exs house! At first I thought maybe he’s just visiting his son but he didn’t come out of her house for 2 days then returned to me so I gave him a chance to come clean but he didn’t and left again this time I followed and knocked on the door she answered but it wasn’t her it was my old best friend from high school who haven’t spoken to in years but in my dream I knew this girl was his ex she had another baby in her arms and looked a mess I walked in to her home and confronted my partner who said he didn’t know what he wanted any more the 3 children in the house were all his and we’re being shouted at and threatened by the ex wife I left upset and he said we would talk I went to visit my dad where he works in a pub where my partner and I met as I walked in my boyfriend was there with his ex wife he pretended he didn’t even know me and came to the bar and shouted his order over my shoulder I felt every pain in this dream the upset and hurt I woke early and couldn’t return to sleep I can’t understand why his ex wife was my ex best friend or why I had this dream when I feel my relationship is strong if anyone could please give me some insight please! I don’t want this to be a recurring dream!

-betty 2015-03-18 16:03:44

So about two years ago me and my bf broke up! We were having rough path. At the time i kept having dreams about him being with someone else. Then the weekend would come and he wouldn’t contact me for days. With that said a month later after those continuously dreams they came true.
So this past month those dreams have came back once again. My most recent dream i dont appear to be with him and its a weekend. Am with a friend and am telling her how he hasn’t contacted me all weekend. He practically avoids me and i dont even know the reason of why we are mad or not speaking in my dream. It breaks my heart since its has happen in the past! Yet i mentioned my dreams to him and reassurces me their is nothing to worry about. I usually dream other dreams and somehow they come real. Not exactly how i dream them but similar to what i dream. What does this dreams mean?

    -Anna 2015-03-19 11:38:04

    Betty – When you are close to someone, it is very common to receive insights into his/her behaviour in your dreams.
    And it does take time to digest (the end of) a relationship which was merely like a rough path, and that is what you are doing in your dreams. So please be patient with yourself and this inner process.
    See http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/digest/
    and
    http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/ex/
    Anna 🙂

-Olga 2015-03-16 3:12:01

My ex and I ended our relationship a month and a half ago. I had a dream we were suddenly in a beautiful park and he held me from my waist gently and he told me he loved me. He stared right at me with his sincere stare he would give me when we had our serious conversations. Now, recently I had a dream that he had a jewelry holder with a bunch of bracelets that he was offering me. And I, like always, started a fight with him over another woman. He wad trying to explain that it wasn’t what I thought and I made mends with befriending the woman. And he just disappeared, this dream with the bracelets I had the night after I told him I wished him well and that I couldn’t be friends like he asked after our break up. All I can think about is the dream when he told me he loved me (which he treated me as if he did, but I know he didn’t. He treated me kindly and like a gentleman because that’s exactly who he is). It felt so real and when I told him I loved him the dream ended and I woke up. However, I have dreamed that he tells me he’s seeing another woman. It kills me every time.

-Ria 2015-03-16 2:09:17

While my ex and I was dating, i constantly had dreams about her cheating on me. And in real life, she did. She dumped me 5 months ago. Ive been single for five months and I just recently kept having dreams that my ex wants me back. Same dream every night. Can it be a sign or real? What does this mean??

    -Anna 2015-03-16 6:31:45

    Ria – If that is what you hope for, then why not ask her?
    And even when that is not what you hope for in your outer world, it will be helpful to accept her (back) in your inner world.
    See http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/ex/
    Anna 🙂

      -Ria 2015-03-17 4:03:09

      Anna- How could I when she is with that girl? It was what I wanted, but I am not so sure anymore. If I tried to talk to her then she will call me names and tell her girlfriend.

-Breana 2015-03-10 1:51:41

i had a dream that I walked in on my boyfriend having sex with my best friend? is it true or what is the meaning of my dream?

-Reovery 2015-03-06 15:18:02

Tony, I had a dream last night, regarding a man I was having an affair with, and his wife. I remember I was in a room and his wife , in another , She mentioned to him where is his cane. ( He never had a cane in real life seemed in good physical health) The wife confronted him about me, and he denied what she asked him. He then came out of the room , Limping , and walked up close to my face, and asked me, what did I say, to his wife. I replied nothing, That I was explaining to her about rehab (that is how we met) There was this elaborate party /movie that was going on and I was supposed to explain why I was involved with this woman’s husband. All the family and friends of this woman and her family attended. I started to talk about myself and the issues I had with drug addiction, and how I met the man I was having an affair with. I remember as I was talking about my self , people were really not interested and was talking among there selves. I stopped talking. There was a movie supposed to be shown in memory of someone who had passes away a while ago, The person was a black man. I tried to slip away from this gathering a run off not to be seen by wife or husband. I managed to head to a restroom somewhere out of the building I was in. I was about to leave The restroom , when I saw the wife walking towards the restroom area I was . She did not see me. I remember towards the begining of the dream the wife and I were talking she did not know who I was at first.

-Ellen 2015-03-04 17:37:17

I had a dream last night, about my ex who recently left me. I have not heard anything from him since he left. In the first part of my dream he was very angry with me and wanted to leave me. I tried to hug him and he pushed me away and kept on leaving. So I let him leave. Then I stood in front of the truck and he drove at me, so I grabbed onto the hood and he kept going faster. He had a scary look on his face and told me he wanted to kill me. But I jumped off and didn’t die. Then I met a guy in a weird way and we got along and he was flirting. But then I was in a hotel room with my ex and he was suddenly really nice to me and I asked him if something was wrong because he just hated me, but he told me no. I love you.

-Samantha 2015-02-24 17:11:16

I keep having dreams that involve my first boyfriend & my current ex boyfriend.. we are all at the same party and they are fighting for my attention and fighting each other. I still see both of these individuals occasionally and am super weirded out. What could this mean?

    -Anna 2015-03-02 12:03:10

    Samantha – There is no need to be confused about a dream like this, once you understand what the dream is telling you.

    First of all I like to remind you of what Tony wrote in this entry:

    “In a way it is not your first boyfriend or your ex you are dealing with in this dream but yourself – you dream about them and use them as symbols of what you picked up from the relationship. You cannot have a mass of experience with someone and move away without it influencing you. Life is, in a very real way, a learning experience, and every new experience has to be fitted into what you are learning”.

    See http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/questions-2/#Projector and http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/party/

    I will write my understanding of your dream – in the best way possible – in the “I” form, so you can feel for yourself which part is helpful:

    I miss the warmth and the attention I received when we were still dating and I wonder if they feel that we lost something too, when we broke up?

    I learned different things from each boyfriend and each part they left in me is asking for my attention so I can start digesting the experience:

    See http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/digest/

    What they left in me is still in conflict with each other, which will change when I give it my attention and when I integrate it. That way

    I will not feel anymore that I lost something; I will feel that the relationship has enriched me in many ways.

    See http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/ex/
    and
    http://dreamhawk.com/dream-encyclopedia/integration-meeting-oneself/

    Anna 🙂

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